I started this year off full of excitement and joy about
moving to a new city and having a new job and being closer to my ride or die
Ms. Belcher. I was over joyed to be making good money and to walk into a fresh
new environment but several weeks I realized that I had been fooled and been
kissed by Judas, so in good form as always I readjusted got a new job stayed
kind even though I had seen what was behind the veil and continued on even
offering my support to my replacements while hinting to them to run as fast as
they could. I created exactly what I wanted nice home, peace of mind, NO
OBLIGATION, heading in the right way finically, great job and even though my
friends were a little far away instead of adjusting closer to them I allowed
misery to stay my normal and for loneliness to creep in and then BAM, the unexpected
happened. Sovereignty, God’s facts, God’s promises, God’s word, God’s truth, It
is finished, absolutes, alpha and omega- all the core principles of my being in
who I am were silenced because my grandpa had a stroke. Four months later I still
can’t tell you what that did to me in that moment. While I know I am loved by
friends and family there is something about this man, this figure, this being
in my life. He represents a truth, solidarity, a principle: He represents good.
Not celebrity good, or glamour good, or swag good but purity good. Not sacrificial,
not applaudable, not notable, not recognizable, not acknowledgement just good. I don’t know of any other person like this. I
wanted to grieve alone, in silence, in my own way not feeling the pain, not
being bothered not running or hiding just my own escape to deal with what I needed
to get, and I couldn’t even grieve alone. I’ve learned even more how alone I am,
I knew I was to myself just me and God but this definitely seals the deal. For
if a man can’t even grieve alone there must not be any place to lay his head in
silence. So from here I examine my
surroundings and I look at those who call my name, don’t come for the party if
you cant stay for the silence. Now that I am back to me I will still grieve by
setting up boundaries because once again the fundamental fact is that trust is
a place, emotion, feeling, journey that is only reserved for God because no man
can walk down that road with you…. #LoveYourselfFirst
