Wednesday, May 5, 2010
In the midst of walking in the rain I hear your voice that says be still and know that I am God. At the bottom of the glass I find my realization that you are more than what I ever could have wanted. In Christ I have placed my joy. Not my works or my reputation because all of these things are tainted and full of emptiness and pain that this life has handed me but rather my joy is in the hope that my savior rules and reigns. I will not let you win Satan. I will fight and pray for what is mine. God has promised and He is faithful so I will sit in silence and wait upon the Lord and pray “thy will be done”.
I have way to much to do and way to much to get done. I have learned my lesson never take this many grad courses in one semester. I am being eaten alive and tortured due to the failure of my own planning.
I long for heaven today. I long for that place I have been created for. I decided along time ago not to live for other people or what other people say I should be. Because I am black I should love Obama, I love him in the since I am proud of him, but he is not a leader that I look up to. I look to leaders like Colin Powell, Dr. King, and Dorothy Height… people who carved out their own paths and insisted on facts and fellowship. Because I am a Christian I should “act” a certain way or believe certain things about views…. Well I don’t. I am not a stereotype. Because I am black & young should I have a baby? Because I am a male should I sleep around? Don’t define me; don’t put me in a box. Freedom screams through my aching bones, because I refuse to categorize. I am a free man. I am free to think the way I choose and to feel the way I feel. To love the color of any woman I want and to vote for whomever I want to and to say No to whatever I feel and Yes to whatever I want to. I will not fit into your box and follow your rules. I am a free man and because of those who went before me who fought for my freedom I will cry out and march to the beat of my own drum. I will not let you define me.
Every now and then I fall apart, I don’t make sense, I get mad, I sleep all day. Every now in then I just don’t want to figure it out or desire to do it. I just want a break. Every now and then I choose to give up and every now and then I lock myself away and breath. I am not a slave and I will not be treated like one.
I am patiently waiting for you to join me in this journey. Pressure off. Figure yourself out. Pray. Seek God. Find closer. Know that I am waiting and praying. I am not asking you when and you don’t have to give me a date, just promise me that sometime soon you will make it here.
Granny its been five months and this will be the first Mothers Day without you. But I am happy that you are celebrating it with your mother because I know she passed when you where really young. For that I am happy for you. Give Grandmother Wille Mae a hug for me and tell her I am still tall but not so lanky any more. Tell my Grandma Margret that I miss her and I hope she enjoyed the other day when I stopped by to see her. I looked for your grave site, but I couldn’t find it but I know that you knew I was there; you’re the longest person I have ever loved so maybe that’s why its so hard to believe that your still not here…
My Goal in life is to love God because if I do that then everything else will be ok…..
"Fight for us, O God, that we not drift numb and blind and foolish into vain and empty excitements. Life is too short, too precious, too painful to waste on worldly bubbles that burst. Heaven is too great, hell is too horrible, eternity is too long that we should putter around on the porch of eternity."