Friday, December 18, 2015

I started this year off full of excitement and joy about moving to a new city and having a new job and being closer to my ride or die Ms. Belcher. I was over joyed to be making good money and to walk into a fresh new environment but several weeks I realized that I had been fooled and been kissed by Judas, so in good form as always I readjusted got a new job stayed kind even though I had seen what was behind the veil and continued on even offering my support to my replacements while hinting to them to run as fast as they could. I created exactly what I wanted nice home, peace of mind, NO OBLIGATION, heading in the right way finically, great job and even though my friends were a little far away instead of adjusting closer to them I allowed misery to stay my normal and for loneliness to creep in and then BAM, the unexpected happened. Sovereignty, God’s facts, God’s promises, God’s word, God’s truth, It is finished, absolutes, alpha and omega- all the core principles of my being in who I am were silenced because my grandpa had a stroke. Four months later I still can’t tell you what that did to me in that moment. While I know I am loved by friends and family there is something about this man, this figure, this being in my life. He represents a truth, solidarity, a principle: He represents good. Not celebrity good, or glamour good, or swag good but purity good. Not sacrificial, not applaudable, not notable, not recognizable, not acknowledgement just good.  I don’t know of any other person like this. I wanted to grieve alone, in silence, in my own way not feeling the pain, not being bothered not running or hiding just my own escape to deal with what I needed to get, and I couldn’t even grieve alone. I’ve learned even more how alone I am, I knew I was to myself just me and God but this definitely seals the deal. For if a man can’t even grieve alone there must not be any place to lay his head in silence.  So from here I examine my surroundings and I look at those who call my name, don’t come for the party if you cant stay for the silence. Now that I am back to me I will still grieve by setting up boundaries because once again the fundamental fact is that trust is a place, emotion, feeling, journey that is only reserved for God because no man can walk down that road with you…. #LoveYourselfFirst

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