Monday, July 16, 2012

I Am Finally Able To Speak

On March 16, 2012 was the last time I was able to blog because the next day at 11:40am my earthly father’s soul took its step into everlasting. As I held his hand reassuring him I would be “OK” I begin to feel the walls of my heart blowing up piece by piece because the possibility of him never experiencing the pure unconditional “NEED” of love from his child was ending and for myself still on the bridge of brokenness and doubt vividly as on a movie screen I was being wrapped in the noise of heartache, pain and misery feeling like I was being aborted like an unborn child.

March 17,2012 11:40am my father died. The hope of the happy ending had dried up in a bitter stream of emptiness. My words became numb, my actions became guarded, my song lost its tune and my body just wanted to die. Deep down inside of the layers of my being and even unseen to the closest person in my life but fresh as the morning sunrise daily I had hoped that the thief would not steal him away from me too soon. The thief had already stolen the promises and the potential of the dreams in the pictures. The thief had already suffocated my hope, depleted my energy and grayed my prayers.

You would assume for someone who has studied the ends and outs of theology that in this moment I would be more than “OK”. To be absent from the body is to be present with the Lord, you would think that promise would be like a seat belt to my soul and have me strapped in the seat of security and faith. But in my reality and in the pit of my feelings the only anthem I could hear blazing from the choir of assurance was “Death is final and my father is dead”.

He will never meet my children, he will never know my wife. I ache for my grandparents who put their child in the ground. I ache daily that he will never get a chance to be who I needed him to be on this side of heaven.

Nothing makes sense, no words can comfort. Honestly I feel like telling everyone to shut up and leave me alone. The pain of tragically losing a parent is so piercing in sting and force to the child that it should be written in the laws that everyone should sit in silence and hear the screaming breaking sound of that child’s soul. My father is dead and he is not coming back, that is not a thought that can be rationalized or explained to my soul; I just need to sit here and so I continue to sit.

I have no intelligent, intellectual, or brave words to reassure you today that over this hill of agony my heart will be made full. But what I can reassure you is that when I choose to move forward this pain will not be in vain.

3/17/12 11:40am - The day My Life Changed

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