Wednesday, September 2, 2009

If Your Looking

As humans we have a natural thing called reaction. When we are hurt we react, when we are sad we react, when we experience joy, we react. We react to things physically, emotionally, spiritually, and mentally. We react by putting walls up or by letting them down.

We react honestly, sacrificially, and sometimes without knowing that we react. I think that apart of maturity is knowing how to control your emotions. There are so many levels to emotions and we are all wired in so many different ways that its sometimes hard to figure out what path we are on and if where coming or going. But what happens when you don’t know what to do. When frustration meets anger. When pain meets promise. When difficulty meets pleasure. What happens when you find yourself staring at the sky and not knowing why? When you find yourself praying prayers to God and lost in emotion. What do you do when you feel like you can’t feel anymore. When yourself tells your heart one thing and your mind and discipline are on another path. Where do you go when advice won’t get you there, knowledge can’t teach you enough and wisdom is only gained through experience?

This is the road less traveled. This is the hard road. This is the road where you can’t rely on people, promises or even history. This is the road that requires the hardest attribute: trust. You have to trust when you can’t see. You have to trust when you can’t know. You have to trust when ALL of “this” doesn’t make sense. When what you thought was going to happen doesn’t. When what you prayed for fails. When that hope that was shining so bright begins to dim faster than a speeding train. When everything crashes and you’re left to be the hero and to save not just the day, but the moment. When you’re left to look yourself in the face and tackle the obstacles. Maybe we have been lead by anxiety, pain, fear, or a grudge.

Maybe we thought through it and it was not what we thought. Maybe we prayed and moved before we got an answer. Maybe all of our maybes have crossed paths and left us with confusion. Our heart and mind have communicated, but the path was not designed for the direction. We must sit. We must trust and we must know that God in His sovereignty is Good. God is Good. That is our promise. This is our hope. This is the way that will lead us from the tangled and strangled confused “it”. My heart bleeds. I put up a wall. My heart cried. I walked away. I lost my trust in the right, and it left me with a chip on my shoulder. Then you came and now I don’t know what to do.

I have not prepared myself for this. I don’t know how to react to this. I didn’t expect these feeling to arise. I have tried to put this fire out. I don’t even want to go there because the first cut it the deepest. This is where I sit. This is where I take a breath. This is where I will stop and pray and wait and listen. This is where you will find me if your looking.

Here I Am.

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